High Contrast Grey.

I would be showing off my titties more except it has been so fucking cold. I’m back in Seattle. Unannounced and bouncing from couch to couch. Sharing tales. Buying coffee with a grin as I call up the people I always want to see but somehow never see. I’m taking all the blame for that these days. The hundreds of miles apart thing. I’ve been showing Olivia that part of my world that was the end of my teenage years and the beginning of… my decline? ‘used to be so clean with the only drinking tea’ Now I’m just hoping that tea will recenter, renew, re… Reality has been an existential existence. Perhaps I am just tired. No longer trained in the pace of the city dweller. Feeling always a few inches out of my own skin. Shrinking at the sight of my reflection on the mirrored building walls. An empty grin with a chuckle for the unprocessed thought.

Its nice knowing the staff of the Butterfly. On top of them all being amazing people who make living in Missoula as awesome as it is, it is as well nice to hang out as they are closing and not having to cut conversations short with their early closing period of 7pm. I really need to clean my desk. I started to earlier today, which included opening up some mail and I found out that my last paycheck wasn’t direct deposited and I have $231 to add to my bank account. Literally bounced with some joy, although sadly there was no one about for me to share my happiness with. I have a feeling one of my first stops in Seattle will be Watermark. Probably not the most exciting place to take Olivia, but even still. At least they are very polite there.. My happy little escape from rude people at VV on occasion. Seeing as how my watching of TOS was so scattered in my childhood I have taken to downloading them and watching them from start to finish. I love the little inaccuracies that have p...

Unemployed Disenchanted Ghetto-Dwelling Misfits. Satori in Paris Jack Kerouac

I have a date tonight after French class. I’m hoping I don’t smell /too/ much like a French whore. One of these days I might buy some deodorant again, but until then I’ll use some palmed French perfume from my last job. I do miss having Dustin and Natasha around to tell me to go back into the bathroom and take off a few layers of makeup. Nervous face painting. Whatever, not like she even noticed anyway. Now I should probably go actually study for the French quiz I’m going to be taking. Psh…

While driving along I found some friends stopped on the side of the road and decided to offer some help. Turning down dome drugs from the unknown passenger and having one of my friends explain my drug habits, or lack there of, plus the fact that I was driving. As I pushed the tiny pipe, that had a small red stripe resembling a vein, out of my face it fell between the seat and center console of the car. We decide to park, or perhaps we crashed, and we then begin to walk the rest of the way home. This takes us through a Scottish botanical garden set on the edge of a cliff/steep hill, which we slide down trampling the flowers that work to slow our descent. Once we reached the bottom we found that a guided tour was just starting up and we had left a hideous mark in the side of the hill as we slid down. At this point we find ourselves booking it out of there, so we aren’t seen by the blue-haired ladies coming around the corner. No abrupt ending to the dream that I can remember, just a ...

The Naked Time. TOS s01e04.

As I played a slight game of flirting chase the girl told me she had to leave at 1pm to go perform in the Olympics, it was 1:23pm. An hour ahead for what she was thinking. She assured me that she was not trying to steal information from me, but I assured her that I knew she had already stolen my information and I didn’t really care. Later I was packing for France. While climbing about on a compactable bunk bed I was practicing my French like the verb descendre. When I made it down to the floor as the bunk bed fell apart the ‘mother figure’ was packing her accordion. It had its own seafoam green case that reached up to about my waist. Quite the large accordion. We compared accordions and I told her of my plan of having mine as my carry on. The room was all seafoam green and white with an overly strong feel of a British nursery, à la Mary Poppins. Amongst all this I was trying to find my drawings of grotesque arm, hand, and eye beasts on black and white tile. Made from q...

New braces! I went by the bead shop by recommendation from Tiff to find some buttons to sew onto my pants so I can wear my braces that my folks got me for birthday/christmas. I found 8 nice buttons (six for my braces and a sea shell one for one of them that I lost a few months back on my frilly shirt from a Parisian street market, and one because it was ivory and I might be able to find something for it), the cute shop girl charged me a dollar, but all I had was plastic at the time so she said just pay next time I wander in.. It seems that I will be having this weekend here in Missoula as Olivia has to work either Sunday or Monday. Hopefully she will be able to get out here soon after she gets off work…

Missoula, MT.

One of the prints for my photography midterm. I couldn’t quite capture the yellowing of the lithprint with this photo, but oh well. Just ask and you can see it in person. I’m thinking once I get the pictures back from turning them in that I will add them to my walls. While in salsa dancing class I looked out the window and found that I am once again wanting to be in the looming confines of a city. Where the buildings tower above and block out chunks of the sky. Where you can go places and everyone is new. Its odd going to parties and hearing time and time again, ‘I keep seeing you.’ Just a few more days and I’ll again be in Seattle. I’m not too sure how to fill up a few days of showing Olivia about town, but I guess we will find things to do. It would help if she was at least 21, but maybe I can sneak her into a few places like the White Horse, I would hope the Can Can as well, but we will see. I wish that the film that French club showed the other night would have showed mo...

Romantic raincoats. Satori in Paris Jack Kerouac

Cassandra playing her accordion on Aaron and Chris’ porch. Her accordion came with tape on the keys telling what notes they are. Only one note sounds pretty when pulling out, but horrendous when pushing in. Its one of those beautiful mistakes that she has been trying to work into a song though.

After taking the picture I apologized to Aaron for stealing his soul. He told me not to worry because he doesn’t have one anymore.

Missoula, MT.

Running across the train tracks at night as one engine sits idling.

Drunk and stoned wandering home across the train tracks after watching surreal cartoon of the 90s. Hoping a quick fag will counteract the depressants but quick enough so the cold air doesn’t freeze my hand not safely secluded in my pocket. The grass next to the sidewalk has already frosted over for the morning to come. Karen O screams/orgasms in my ear to keep my pace going. At one point I jog, holding my art bag in my arm. Protecting it. A precious parcel. I seem to have lost my spoon bracelet.

I was invited over to Ida’s for some sea food soup this evening. The building she lives in used to be a hotel that has since had many artists live in it. It was almost too beautiful to maintain composed. Paintings and pictures everywhere. Beautiful furniture put out in the hallways. Just fucking gorgeous.

I am once again trying to gain weight. I wish this wasn’t always such a lonely uphill battle for me, nor that it always seems to be brought on by huge dips in my self-esteem. Oh well. I just put on the Oracular Spectacular album and exercise till I feel numb and short of breath after drinking nasty gritty stuff. Allison and Tiff are talking about doing some yoga once a week and I have been invited to join them, so perhaps it won’t be so lonely anymore. That is if things get off the ground. Not too sure how to gauge people and how ideas might become actual actions out here yet.

I tried a vaporizer for the first time the other night and to stave off the anxiety I was compelled to draw my city and a bee. The actual sketch is a bit rough as I couldn’t keep still and the buildings are missing any plant life. Although I finally drew some bi-wings on a zeppelin that I don’t hate, even if they are /way/ over exaggerated, and without motors. I need to bring up my shoulders a bit more (maybe add in some braces) and figure out how to draw a nice looking bee, /finally/. Something emotional that I don’t mind people seeing…

I had a dream I was getting married this morning. I don’t want to have that dream again.

Trust in god, but chain your Harley. Hanging art flower pot downtown next to the old Macy’s building, Missoula.

/Anyways/…

Sketchbook. Wanted to do some a sketch of some girl with over the top Marie Antoinette hair (my drawing even seeming to start becoming a rococo tree…) after seeing a drawing earlier. Though while drawing I realized that it is as well inspired by a cute girl I saw at the Masquerade ball a few weeks back in Seattle. Little tattoos of stars wrapping up and around her shoulder and dermals going a downward angle off her collar bone. She sadly disappeared less than halfway through the show.. /Anyways/ she had a beautiful homemade mask.

It’s 1.30am. I have just walked home from a party and still feel intoxicated. I have stripped down to nothing and have begun watching Moulin Rouge as the cops ring the doorbell I didn’t realize existed. They just wanted the number of someone Daniel knows.. at 1.30am. Weird.

Mogalie playing some acoustic. Second time someone was playing Needle in the Hay from that seat for the night. I wish I had more of my own art on my walls..

Sketchbook. Went out to an Indian food party. I’m not even sure what is going on.

Family photo time. The newest edition, Marie. Miette, who keeps taking my hats and scarfs lately, eh they probably look better on her anyways. Our dog Vincent, always patient though you can tell he’s still a little self-conscious about his missing ear.. And little H16, who I somehow convinced to take off the elephant gas mask she loves so much..

Drunk and stoned and wandering through the catacombs to find a little peek hole. Supposedly it kept going but we got lost with no light switches and only our lighters to guide our way as our fingers heat up from the flame starting to melt the plastic.

Venice is Sinking Masquerade Ball. Georgetown, Seattle. Cyanotype on watercolor paper.

The days are beginning to blur as I work on perfecting mixing absinthe drinks. Too much influence.. I’ve also been perfecting in my saying yes. No one has seemed to notice the wiser. Recreation and rediscovery. Masking the ennui. Masking the distant thoughts. Masking the death. A contempt for the abuse directed inwards. Too much time wasted. Too much money wasted. Too much blood and tears wasted. In the end the only one that one can rely on and trust is the self. A completely disposable and replaceable commodity, and to believe otherwise, though positive thinking, is just a lie.

Missoula. I pass this everyday as I walk from school to the Butterfly. I wonder if I still have my buffalo stencils somewhere…

Bozo had a strange way of talking, Cockneyfied and yet very lucid and expressive. It was as though he had read good books but had never troubled to correct his grammar. Down and Out in Paris and London George Orwell

Isn’t there a black market someplace missing you? Aaron the ginger to Moaglie.

The new project. The alley is in the final steps of finishing, well, it looks like it at least. I’ve been putting off detailing the rugs.. This new project was based around the idea of wanting to do an inside scene with a spiral staircase. I have found that spiral staircases /suck/ in trying to draw in perspective.. I still don’t quite understand how to draw them, but I have the basics down and I think I’ll just add some more drapery to cover up the steps once it starts to look slightly off.. My emotional work I have been working on has been coming out quite quickly, but I’m not sure if it is expressing what I want it to express.. Not having to worry about perspective (as much) has made it faster and easier to produce. Still not things I would like to show people anytime soon.